I appreciate the author sharing such a vulnerable journey with the reader, but I found this piece ponderous to a fault. A 10-minute read to state that chasing happiness at the end of one's penis is empty and unfulfilling. Like, I get that there's a social shift happening where men feel aimless in a world where the script men were supposed to follow is being flipped, but are there seriously no role models telling young men that defining oneself by one's romantic connections and sexual "conquests" (ew.) is no real goal at all?
Are we so lacking in community that the young men aren't finding joy in social connection in any form?
Furthermore, the author seems to still be defining himself based on his relationship to potential romantic/sexual partners: he cites the relationship between Men and Women as "the oldest war", as if it can only ever be viewed adversarially and by choosing not to participate, he's "winning". I think he's started to see that inner work is all that any of us can control, but he seems to still be missing a crucial "piece of the puzzle": women are just people too, some of them chasing things that won't provide genuine satisfaction in life, some of them on a similar journey to the author's, some of whom -- like with some men -- never bought into the social narrative that true happiness comes from finding a romantic/sexual partner.
There's potential for the author to get there, but it seems to me like he's defining himself based on the absence of a woman, rather than the presence of one, without realizing it.
Yeah. Kinda hit me in the gut, personally. I relate way too perfectly to much of it:
>So in the one moment intimacy was offered to me, freely, requiring nothing [...] I pulled back. [...] I went home.
>And then I did the gesture that would define the next ten years of my life. I opened a laptop, and I typed, into a search bar, the words: how to seduce women.
>Read that back. A girl had just offered me the actual thing, no technique required, and within hours I was at a desk in the dark looking for a method. The boy who cannot receive what is given to him goes looking for a system to get it instead. (my emphasis)
The only major difference - an enormously beneficial difference for me, I think - was that this path only partially defined maybe a year or so of my life before I turned away from it, rather than the ten years of full true-believer immersion the author describes. I got out quick, and long before the Tinder part was a thing. I thank my stars for it. I did okay.
I've seen a lot of stuff written on the topic to date, plenty of it insightful. This piece is one I'll bookmark and remember, though.
The most painful part is not the rejection, or the internal inertia, screaming in many voices with many reasons that it isn't worth it. The real pain happens after the first connection, it's the lies we tell ourselves to feed the attraction. The small things we try to change in ourselves or ignore in a partner for the sake of compatibility.
Later, a future you needs to finally see clearly the sum of what has been given up. The author's proposed polygraph doesn't account for all of the silent pain and compromise an ostensibly happy couple walking by may be individually carrying.
ghanima | 7 hours ago
I appreciate the author sharing such a vulnerable journey with the reader, but I found this piece ponderous to a fault. A 10-minute read to state that chasing happiness at the end of one's penis is empty and unfulfilling. Like, I get that there's a social shift happening where men feel aimless in a world where the script men were supposed to follow is being flipped, but are there seriously no role models telling young men that defining oneself by one's romantic connections and sexual "conquests" (ew.) is no real goal at all?
Are we so lacking in community that the young men aren't finding joy in social connection in any form?
Furthermore, the author seems to still be defining himself based on his relationship to potential romantic/sexual partners: he cites the relationship between Men and Women as "the oldest war", as if it can only ever be viewed adversarially and by choosing not to participate, he's "winning". I think he's started to see that inner work is all that any of us can control, but he seems to still be missing a crucial "piece of the puzzle": women are just people too, some of them chasing things that won't provide genuine satisfaction in life, some of them on a similar journey to the author's, some of whom -- like with some men -- never bought into the social narrative that true happiness comes from finding a romantic/sexual partner.
There's potential for the author to get there, but it seems to me like he's defining himself based on the absence of a woman, rather than the presence of one, without realizing it.
PeteMichaud | 13 hours ago
This is poignant and really beautiful, thanks.
veryreasonable | 12 hours ago
Yeah. Kinda hit me in the gut, personally. I relate way too perfectly to much of it:
>So in the one moment intimacy was offered to me, freely, requiring nothing [...] I pulled back. [...] I went home.
>And then I did the gesture that would define the next ten years of my life. I opened a laptop, and I typed, into a search bar, the words: how to seduce women.
>Read that back. A girl had just offered me the actual thing, no technique required, and within hours I was at a desk in the dark looking for a method. The boy who cannot receive what is given to him goes looking for a system to get it instead. (my emphasis)
The only major difference - an enormously beneficial difference for me, I think - was that this path only partially defined maybe a year or so of my life before I turned away from it, rather than the ten years of full true-believer immersion the author describes. I got out quick, and long before the Tinder part was a thing. I thank my stars for it. I did okay.
I've seen a lot of stuff written on the topic to date, plenty of it insightful. This piece is one I'll bookmark and remember, though.
Wallacetattoo | 6 hours ago
My own sour grapes:
The most painful part is not the rejection, or the internal inertia, screaming in many voices with many reasons that it isn't worth it. The real pain happens after the first connection, it's the lies we tell ourselves to feed the attraction. The small things we try to change in ourselves or ignore in a partner for the sake of compatibility.
Later, a future you needs to finally see clearly the sum of what has been given up. The author's proposed polygraph doesn't account for all of the silent pain and compromise an ostensibly happy couple walking by may be individually carrying.