Psychology suggests that the loneliest people in life are not usually the outcasts, but rather those kind, competent, and always-available individuals whom everyone values, but whom almost no one calls to ask how they are doing because they seem too strong to need care

Death_to_Stupidity | 23 hours ago

Hi. Cant remember the last time someone checked on me.

Thirty_Helens_Agree | 20 hours ago

As part of a work-related thing, I had to confer with a professional who is mental health-adjacent. After talking about the work-related stuff, he gave me a true, sincere “how are you?” and it was genuinely moving. I realized that no one ever did that for me. (That was several years ago and I’ve since taken steps to look out for my own mental well-being.)

Death_to_Stupidity | 20 hours ago

The simple replies above have been enough to make my day for real. Seeing compassion and empathy in the world is a beautiful thing.

Cutielov5 | 22 hours ago

I’m just a stranger, but how are you doing? How have you been feeling inside your head lately?

Death_to_Stupidity | 20 hours ago

Overwhelmed. Dont know where to start. Im not doing bad but becoming the able bodied patriarch of the family is full of extras.

Cutielov5 | 20 hours ago

It sounds like you have a bunch of extra stress on your plate. Some advice I got from a therapist awhile back when feeling overwhelmed is to go outside and walk. You only need to do it for 15min a day, but that little bit has been proven by science to help with mental health. Even just sitting outside in the sun will help. If you ever feel like you need to unload, you are welcome to dm me. The fact that you can list it being overwhelming means that your brain is in overdrive trying to fix and fit all the moving drama pieces happening to you. I hope it balances out for you soon.

mandipoo | 16 hours ago

I’ve seen what this pressure has done to some of my male family members. They suffer in silence. I’m sorry you’re having to deal with this, I think a lot more people struggle with this than it seems because people don’t talk about it enough.

Please take care of yourself, and remember that you matter. It’s like on a flight; you have to put your own mask on before you can help the person sitting next to you with theirs.

jarvis0042 | 18 hours ago

You matter, even to strangers on Reddit. We care!!

RatTheRizzo | 17 hours ago

🙋🏻‍♀️

Due-Passage-4080 | 15 hours ago

Hug

imaparkguy | 14 hours ago

How are you? I’ve been going through it. Just through it through it lately. Sending you a big hug. Al Anon has helped me a lot with my people pleasing, everyone 1st bullshit.

Death_to_Stupidity | 10 hours ago

I very much have a motorcycle and a sports car in the garage that I haven't touched in longer than I'd like. 4 generations plus moving, major job changes, and loss of any real certainty comes before me. I understand the job and I'm proud of how things are going. Doesn't mean I get to really lean on anyone, too many people leaning on me to fall. I'm tired but still we move forward.

trixtopherduke | 6 hours ago

It's not much but if you can carve out like 15 min to go to the garage and do one or two tasks related to your bike or car, that will start a routine.

And tbh, sometimes when we can't or won't carve out a pocket of time for a hobby, it means we've moved on from it. A hobby gives us joy in the present. If it only gives joy in the past, it's time to find a way to say goodbye.

And tbh, I would give your motorcycle and sports car a chance to become something again. And see if any of those people leaning on you want to join in.

Fit_Assignment3504 | 10 hours ago

Therapist here. Can confirm the same.

Narenia | 9 hours ago

Same. I don't think anyone has asked me in months...including my husband. But in his defense, he's normally quiet.

dikbisqit | 10 hours ago

after I had a wild week of problems I was using Claude AI to help with. It randomly asked how I was holding up with it all. I teared up. 🥲

Amazing_Jump6210 | 4 hours ago

I feel this in my soul

Ok-Dream9254 | 3 hours ago

When was the last time you rang someone up to let them know you were struggling?

a_rude_jellybean | 46 minutes ago

How are you doing lately?

Dog_Baseball | 21 hours ago

Are you a man?

Death_to_Stupidity | 20 hours ago

Indeed

w8cycle | 23 hours ago

This is me. Even in college, I remember talking with some people about my struggles and they were shocked that I was lonely and depressed because I was as they say, good looking, intelligent, and kind to everyone.

PigletAmazing1422 | 23 hours ago

This is me as well. I feel I have to put out extra effort to really connect with people, and it requires regular work.

sewmanychoices | 22 hours ago

Reasons I now pay a therapist! Pure unadulterated 'lets give a fuck about me' time without having to cater to someone else's emotional needs.

muff_muncher69 | 22 hours ago

Huh, when you put it like that

frzrbrnd | 18 hours ago

It's kinda depressing?

lhld | 17 hours ago

Finding a therapist that fits is such a slog. But worth it when you get there.

NoImprovement213 | 18 hours ago

I get this a lot. Then I tell them im on the strongest anti depressant I can get and their jaw drops.

I guess I come across as a confident, happy person. Little do they know, im just pretending

Plus_Term_7584 | 20 hours ago

>I was as they say, good looking, intelligent, and kind to everyone

While I can't say I hit any of those things, a friend of mine recently asked me how life was. I told him, "You know. Barely hanging in there." And he goes, "You always say that, but anytime we meet up, you look the most put-together out of us."

I just laughed, "It's basically all I can put together at this point."

N7_Adept | 22 hours ago

Relate to that atm. My fiancee says I give a "tough guy" aura but I really appreciate I have an outlet through her. Not used to admitting how I currently feel towards my other acquaintances, Im used to shouldering it.

PigletAmazing1422 | 2 hours ago

I am here to check on you. How are you doing today?

Cutielov5 | 22 hours ago

I’m a bubbly person. Always happy to help. Always have a smile. But I struggle inwardly a lot with depression, every day feels harder and harder for me, but what really makes me feel lonely is that none of my friends ever ask me how I’m doing mentally. I’m their person to lean on, but it never goes the other way because those around me wear their depression on their sleeve and receive all the concern. But because I’m such a people pleaser and I am always presenting bubbly, no one even recognizes when I recluse myself, they just assume I’m busy and don’t even check in. My husband is here and recognizes it (which is why he is ultimately my best friend) but it becomes so much harder and hurts when you’re friends never check in when it comes to a happy presenting persons mental health.

Anxious_cactus | 19 hours ago

Sending hugs, I'm going through the same thing. Struggling with depression for 20 years even with meds, meditation, yoga etc. My friends treat me like their mom and therapist and rarely ask how I'm doing even though they know I have chronic depression and other health issues, but they downplay them because I don't make it outwardly obvious when I'm struggling either mentally or physically.

That behavior made me drop a few friends because I actually less lonely when I know I don't have friends than when I supposedly have them but not really.

Hope we find people who show up for us the same way we do for others.

jarvis0042 | 18 hours ago

As a stranger on Reddit, we care! Hope you get some sunshine and you time!

SatanicMartian | 21 hours ago

How are you feeling today?

You sound like a good person. Your friends are luckily to be able to call you a friend

Cutielov5 | 20 hours ago

I’m feeling okay. It was a hard day mentally yesterday. My brain was my own worst enemy and I just kept putting myself down. But I’m hoping today it won’t do that as much. Thank you so much for asking.

SatanicMartian | 20 hours ago

Sorry to hear that. Our own brains can be the cruelest of all critics.

I hope you have a much better day today

Most-File8484 | 19 hours ago

That sucks. I hope you find more people you can lean on.

grrlplz | 14 hours ago

me too girl :( sending hugs

albinomoose52 | 11 hours ago

Are you me? Haha 🫠

hungrymaki | 23 hours ago

Well does this sound way too close  for comfort?

engineeringstoned | 22 hours ago

yes, yes it does

Aggravating-Pear4222 | 20 hours ago

Because it’s a Barnum Statement

Particular_Aside5959 | 13 hours ago

I am college and recently I confessed to one of my friend that I feel suicidal almost everyday and she was shocked to hear because apparently from their perspective I had everything going for me like a hot girlfriend, good grades, always was smiling and laughing.

Aniakchak | an hour ago

I feel like it's worse to be depressed while having everything you ever wanted. It takes the illusion or hope that it can be better im the future.

IcyGarage5767 | 5 hours ago

Doubt.

W1nn1ng101 | 22 hours ago

... So I need to appear more pathetic for someone to give a shit? Damn.

fuzzychub | 22 hours ago

Being visibly depressed, upset, angry, or generally ‘not ok’ is fine actually. It’s part of the normal range of human experience and emotion. There’s no need to suppress or hide this.

frzrbrnd | 18 hours ago

It certainly doesn't make people want to be around you tho

fuzzychub | 18 hours ago

It’s all about balance. It’s not healthy to be crying all the time. But folks that don’t want to be around you when you cry are folks that you may not want to have in your life.

SteelCrow | 20 hours ago

> visibly depressed, upset, angry, or generally ‘not ok’

What if we don't wish to take it out on others, or want dump to our emotional garbage on others? It's not their fault we feel this way, it's ours. We're in control of ourselves.

fuzzychub | 19 hours ago

Just being visibly depressed or upset isn’t ’taking it out on others’. Shouting at someone because you’re angry is doing that. Shouting to no one or crying a bit on your own, even when in a social context, is not taking it out on others.

Asking for help (and being visibly depressed or upset is a way to ask for help non-verbally) is not dumping emotional baggage on someone. If the person giving aid can’t provide sufficient support, it’s on them to tell you that and help you find better support.

We are in control of our actions and words and in some ways our thoughts. Our emotions are very much not in our control, at least completely. And that’s ok.

Swarna_Keanu | 19 hours ago

That's a lie. If we were completely in control of our emotions, populism, marketing, bullying, harrasment, etc. would have no effect on humanity.

The very contrary is the case.

Just as empathy, compassion, community, honesty etc. have an effect.

Traditional_Aide7469 | an hour ago

In control of the actions caused by emotions, we tend not to be reactive

Swarna_Keanu | an hour ago

Eh? Ever seen someone have an emotional outburst? Witnessed road rage?

Seen somebody having a panic attack?

Those are fully reactive.

Traditional_Aide7469 | an hour ago

When I say we, I mean those of us that handle (or handled in my case) our suffering (as internally as possibe). My suffering was never my environments decision, other people's problems, just mine.

Swarna_Keanu | an hour ago

Yes, but we are talking humanity in general.

And people are really emotional a lot. That's absurdly evident.

Traditional_Aide7469 | an hour ago

Yeah, Im just talking about the guy you responded to. He was using we to refer to people like himself, not people in general, although we are all capable of controlling emotions just like we are capable of losing control of them.

ay-foo | 17 hours ago

Not exactly going to be the life of the party though. I get depressed and don't want to go out, but then I think I need to because it would be good for me. Then I arrive, and I'm not really in the mood to engage or bring down the vibe with what's actually on my mind. I then end up masking it, being more of an observer and leaving thinking I didn't accomplish much

RMAPOS | 20 hours ago

Nah. People like to frame it as irrational for depressed people to be scared of being a burden to others, but I'm pretty sure that's often tied to painful experiences. Plenty of people will avoid (more or less severely) strugglers because they're work and there is a million ways to have a more fun time instead.

Which is to say, being more pathetic won't help, it will just change from people not checking in assuming you're fine to people pulling back because you're not lighthearted fun.

NarrMaster | 18 hours ago

Fear of being a "burden" is indeed a learned mindset. Usually from reaching out to someone who said to do so, and pulling back an empty hand.

MsShru | 22 hours ago

You could always have a mental illness so your breakdowns make you look pathetic every now and then.

Of course, people giving a shit won't look like them actually realizing how hard you were working all along, rather like a to-do list of all you need to do to get better again...

Psych0PompOs | 22 hours ago

Why would it be about being "pathetic"?

IcyGarage5767 | 5 hours ago

Or just be comfortable talking about emotions? Everytime I see posts like this I just don’t understand the grievances…. Literally every single friend group or social group I have had I have had people to talk to about feelings and emotions - because if I don’t have that, I don’t stick around long.

space-envy | 22 hours ago

Before an influx of redditors come here to justify their loneliness: this is just a click bait title that has nothing to do with psychology and suggesting shit. Real psychology doesn't "suggest" things, it just points out evidence just as science does.

This website seems like a click bait haven, just regurgitated garbage and misleading word soups.

> Acts of kindness can genuinely lift people up. A Psychology Today piece by social psychologist Natalie Kerr notes research showing that kindness can make people feel happier and “less lonely,” which helps explain why volunteering can feel like a reset button after a stressful week.

But the only posts of Natalie Kerr in Psychology Today related to loneliness are just self anecdotal experiences, there is no science, no research:

> Performing random acts of kindness can make us feel happier and more connected—and can brighten someone else’s day, too. These acts of kindness don’t have to be big. You can put a quarter into an expired parking meter, pick up a piece of litter, return a grocery cart to the corral, write an online review for your favorite restaurant, or give someone a compliment. Being kind is a great way to remember that we’re all in this together.

Then they proceed to use a study that tries to measure loneliness based on the surroundings of individuals:

> A 2026 study in the journal Health & Place found that adults living near more vegetation and higher “species richness” tended to report lower loneliness, pointing to urban greening and biodiversity as potential allies for public health as cities also try to cool down and cut emissions.

So where does this conclusion that "psychology suggests" comes from? Maybe straight off their asses because I couldn't find scientific evidence.

Edit: the downvotes are just a sad reflection of how scarce "critical thinking" is. You are letting clickbaity blogs think for you and that is just sad...

EquipLordBritish | 18 hours ago

So, we should report it and get the post removed? It sounds like it's violating rule 2 and 6 for lack of scientific integrity and a misleading title.

A1sauc3d | 16 hours ago

Yes I reported it, suggest you do the same. No clue if the mods in this sub care or not though

hanginaroundthistown | 22 hours ago

This, it is not science but like a horoscope that people identify with. Not saying this could not exist, but it is not science, and there's no data or a conclusion.

space-envy | 22 hours ago

Yup:

> Confirmation bias is the tendency to search for, interpret, favor and recall information in a way that confirms or supports one's prior beliefs, values, or decisions. People display this bias when they select information that supports their views, ignoring contrary information or when they interpret ambiguous evidence as supporting their existing attitudes. The effect is strongest for desired outcomes, emotionally charged issues and deeply entrenched beliefs.

Aggravating-Pear4222 | 20 hours ago

The term you are looking for is Barnum Statement

Uhstrology | 22 hours ago

Probably because a lot of psychology uses junk science that cant be replicated but it gets published anyway.

In psychology, large-scale replication projects have found that around half of studies successfully replicate. Across 100 studies with positive results, the reproducibility project in psychology (RP:P) replicated 36%-47% depending on the metric for replication success (Open Science Collaboration, 2015).

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/replication-crisis

TargaryenPenguin | 21 hours ago

Paper is a decade out of date, standards have vastly increased. Try updating your prejudices. As other commenters have noticed , other field are , in fact , much worse. You only know , but psychology because of the rigorous work being done to improve things... in other less rigorous fields, they're not even doing that.

space-envy | 22 hours ago

In defense of psychology this also happens in general science:

> In a 2012 paper, C. Glenn Begley, a biotech consultant working at Amgen, and Lee Ellis, a medical researcher at the University of Texas, found that only 11% of 53 pre-clinical cancer studies had replications that could confirm conclusions from the original studies. In late 2021, The Reproducibility Project: Cancer Biology examined 53 top papers about cancer published between 2010 and 2012 and showed that among studies that provided sufficient information to be redone, the effect sizes were 85% smaller on average than the original findings. A survey of cancer researchers found that half of them had been unable to reproduce a published result. Another report estimated that almost half of randomized controlled trials contained flawed data (based on the analysis of anonymized individual participant data (IPD) from more than 150 trials).

Summary: don't blame the science, blame the poor individual practices of researchers.

SquareKaleidoscope49 | 17 hours ago

Science is in shambles. Every single field. Even objective ones like physics and statistics.

Never ask an applied mathmatecian whether a top 10 most cited paper in their field has ever worked - you will not like the answer.

Luditas | 6 hours ago

And don't you think that this whole problem of lack of reproducibility is due to the academic requirement that one must publish in order to maintain a research position? I believe that if the demands to produce scientific articles as if they were machines were reduced, better research work would be done so that it could be reproduced.

It's chaotic trying to work on something like this because you feel like you're doing something wrong and can't do things right when there's a problem beyond your control. A friend's cousin told me that 👀.

Aggressive_Sky8492 | 11 hours ago

That’s may be true but it isn’t what’s happening in this article. This article just doesn’t actually provide any evidence that “the loneliest people are the ones who are always available.”

Like the article is mostly about proximity to green spaces and how that affects loneliness. It cites sources for that, but then throws in a random paragraph about how helpful people can feel more lonely, without providing any sources for that

SquareKaleidoscope49 | 17 hours ago

Critical thinking is truly dead and everyone is stupid if you think your comment has anything to do with the post you are relying to...

navyblusheet | 13 hours ago

I came here to note this but already a ton of people have fallen for it. Lol

Luditas | 6 hours ago

Thanks for your comment. This should be pinned.

Aggressive_Sky8492 | 11 hours ago

Thank you, this is too low down.

I also read the article, and it provides sources for all the psychological claims in it except the one made in the headline.

It’s not science it’s just slop..

S-192 | 21 hours ago

Yeah the only suicide I've had in my social circles was the one friend we thought was so funny and resilient, who was the life of the party and the biggest joker.

He had a lot going on under the surface and we never saw it because it was always all jokes all the time. Never really crossed our minds that we should check on him and ask.

Wish we had.

Trashtag420 | 20 hours ago

This reads like a horoscope telling you what you want to hear.

"You're only lonely because you are kind, competent, and always available such that everyone values you, but you seem so outwardly strong that no one would think you are struggling!"

X to doubt. I think if you're kind, competent, and available, you have way more positive social interaction than anyone without those three traits.

Bananapantsmcgeef | 17 hours ago

I mean, those people do exist but they’re rare. I’ve known them.

I’ve known people who were smart, accomplished, attractive, and extroverted with lots of friends, but secretly felt lonely and hated themselves. They’re the complete opposite of how they would appear on first impression.

My theory is they are motivated by insecurity to be competent and likable to the point they can’t accept the positive reality they’ve created for themselves. They also put so much energy into their friendships and relationships that they can easily end up one-sided.

Trashtag420 | 17 hours ago

I see your point and even agree, but I think that's a different message than the article posted is trying to send. I don't think it's fair to assert that "the loneliest people in life" are actually the ones with a blooming social life who just feel lonely. I regularly find myself feeling that type of way, and have to consciously put forth the effort to remind myself about my own network of support.

If loneliness is a sickness, then myself and others in this position already have the medicine, and we simply have to remind ourselves to take it. That's very different from the people in this world who genuinely lack that support.

I'm not saying it's necessarily easy to dig yourself out of a self-imposed depressive hole, but it's certainly easier if you already have a shovel. Many don't have that, and it seems cruel to suggest I'm lonelier than them just because I'm feeling sorry for myself in the moment.

MantisBeing | 14 hours ago

I get what you're saying but you are making some assumptions to get to your conclusion. I don't think the presence of a support network or what appears to be a blooming social life necessarily helps some individuals with their loneliness. In fact I think it can have the opposite effect.

Aggressive_Sky8492 | 11 hours ago

You’re right and the article provides literally no sources for that claim. I’ve reported the post to the mods as non scientific, because it isn’t

Also outside of the science of it, there may be some element of truth to it. But in that case I’d think it’s a lot more related to being acquainted and helpful to lots of people, but not actually having anyone close. And, an ability to ask for help or ask for what you need in relationships

LMKBK | 20 hours ago

just a reminder that People Pleasing isn't nice or kind. It's a fear response and rooted in anxiety.

please don't bury yourself in an attempt to be what you think other people want.

Aggressive_Sky8492 | 11 hours ago

Yeah. There’s a lot of replies about “no one checks on me, but I support everyone.” Yeah it sucks no one proactively checks on you, but I think that’s kind of normal if no one knows you’re struggling. It’s on you to reach out to one of those people you support, and to ask for support. Like that’s how friendships and relationships work, you don’t need to wait for someone to ask “hey I know you seem happy on the surface but is everything actually ok?” for you to tell someone about your feelings..

Visual_Collar_8893 | 9 hours ago

Absolving responsibility because someone didn’t reach out is out of touch. So many things could be going on.

Friends should always check on one another regularly. That’s what friends are for.

Ra_Lotsawa | 20 hours ago

What an insane headline for a paper titled > Exposure to green, blue, and biodiverse spaces and their associations with loneliness in urban adults

Aggressive_Sky8492 | 11 hours ago

Yeah I’ve reported the post as it’s not scientific at all, and the article (the one posted, not the academic article) doesn’t provide any evidence of the claim in the title

miranto | 19 hours ago

Why would people offer help if you don't seem like you need any? Showing vulnerability and asking for help to trusted people is also a skill.

Crash_Test_Dummy66 | 18 hours ago

This headline really feels like some horoscope type bullshit where the overarching statement is something vague yet relatable so everybody feels like it applies explicitly to them. And I'll be honest, the layout of the page the articles on doesn't exactly scream reliable source.

Also, psychology doesn't suggest anything. Psychologists and psychological research can but saying " psychology suggests" is pretty meaningless.

JWWBurger | 22 hours ago

As great as you might be, if you’re always available, I think you’re naturally going to be devalued. We value rarity over the common, even if the common is amazing.

Aggravating-Pear4222 | 20 hours ago

Barnum statement lmao “Wow, that’s so me!”

LineImpossible3958 | 18 hours ago

Here comes the flood of lonely commenters

Aggressive_Sky8492 | 11 hours ago

Flood of people saying “no one ever checks on me” when they’ve never asked a friend or loved one for support or tried to talk about their feelings

costafilh0 | 18 hours ago

Sounds like utterly BS.

And the comments reinforce that impression.

Aggressive_Sky8492 | 11 hours ago

That article cites no source for the claim in the title, and largely has nothing to do with the title? The article is about studies that showed that proximity to green spaces with higher biodiversity reduces feelings of loneliness. Then there’s a couple of random paragraphs in there about how “helpers” can feel lonely, but no scientific reasoning around it or references to studies (unlike the claims around green space).

Tl;dr this article is garbage and does not provide any evidence of the claim made in the title. The claim in the headline is not science, or at least is not scientifically supported within this article

It’s so bad that I’m wondering if it’s just AI slop

thumbsonscreen5 | 17 hours ago

They eventually graduate into folks who are hermits because they see very little value in what they put into relationships in general. But then since it's a decision you made for yourself it doesn't feel exactly like loneliness anymore. It's just an acceptance of solitude as the least bad option.

Idk I may be projecting here 😂

Buttermilk-Waffles | 17 hours ago

How dare you describe me perfectly!

BenedithBe | 12 hours ago

Maybe it's because they don't make the first step?

ExcitingAppearance3 | 23 hours ago

Me

GemmyGemGems | 22 hours ago

Yep, no one ever contacts me to see how I am.

Yugan-Dali | 22 hours ago

Hi, how are you? I know the feeling.

TraditionalCupcake88 | 22 hours ago

Same here most times. Always shouldering the burden, but never able to unburden.

GemmyGemGems | 4 hours ago

I don't even know how to answer that question . There is so much going on.

How are you?

Aggressive_Sky8492 | 11 hours ago

Do you have people you check in on? Maybe ask one of them for support and to be a listening ear for how you’re feeling?

GemmyGemGems | 4 hours ago

That's a good suggestion.

Not_Your_Romeo | 21 hours ago

Can confirm. Nobody gives a shit

RMAPOS | 21 hours ago

Boing

Just tired of being available for others while everyone is always too busy having fun to be there for me

Miles_Everhart | 18 hours ago

I dated someone like this. I poured so much love and attention into him. It made me so happy to make him happy.

And he couldn’t receive it. A life of people pleasing and putting himself last made him unable to trust or respect love that wasn’t conditional. Breaks my heart.

Upper_Luck1348 | 22 hours ago

read for filth and it isn’t even eight am

ScrapEngineer_ | 21 hours ago

That's me! And no i'm not doing fine, thanks for asking though <3

xanadumuse | 21 hours ago

I have this issue. All of my friends say how confident and strong I am and that they know I would be ok. I’ve since had conversations educating them about assumptions of people and that generally speaking a majority of humans need validation and want to feel loved. I don’t have any issue of feeling loved though. I would just like it if people checked in on me more.

solomons-mom | 21 hours ago

Would you mind switiching chairs? I am awful company tonight and you are always so fun and chatty. I want to be out and just sit here, but I feel sorry for the people next to me. This was at beer and food after a softball game.

I switched of course. It was the same beautiful fall that I had jaywalked at night wearing black. I figured if the car stopped, it stopped, and if it didn't, oh well.

It also sucked to be such a golden girl that everyone assumed that a great career would somehow materialize from first job that turned out to be awful. I still have best stories on harrassment and discrimination.

ShwaaMan | 20 hours ago

I don’t feel strong lol. I wish I did.

cctreez | 20 hours ago

i enjoy it when the psychology studies catch up to stuff that always seemed intrinsically true for me

Extra_Blacksmith674 | 19 hours ago

People should try not being always available.

disignore | 18 hours ago

what a long title, felt like reading a insta post

Disastrous_Fig5609 | 17 hours ago

I don't want anyone to check on me, but I do appreciate food. Food fills that role.

muylocopoco | 16 hours ago

Redditors be like: “Yes the kind, perfect, competent person with clinical depression is me.”

chubbycatchaser | 16 hours ago

oh

xboxhaxorz | 16 hours ago

In my case i am too strong, i dont want or need people to check on me, i prefer solitude

I am not an organizer or leader, im just a very chill and sarcastic dude, there are gals i know that i listen to vent, offer suggestions sometimes or simply just listen to listen and not to respond, i will check in with them

They are extremely appreciative of how i am towards them, but they dont do the same to me, im totally fine with it, i dont need reciprocation

I have had super anxiety and severe depression for most of my life, but this last decade i have spent training myself to be strong and to not let things bother me and it has been working, i would say i have the strongest minds in the world in regards to emotion, logic and critical thinking, intelligence wise not so much

I did the OMAD diet just because i wanted to check if i could not cause im fat, and i was able to do it, a single meal every 24 hrs for 6 mth, i showed myself that i was strong and that i could control my starvation

That_Kitten_Lady | 15 hours ago

As a daughter who has become the caregiver to my mother I can relate to this. Brother bailed on helping her due to stress. Like I'm not stressed!? He's retired, I still work full time. But at least I won't have any regrets when it's all said and done. She was there for me, I will be there for her. She was actually the always available one. Sad to say, those people she was always helping are not around now.

Great-Ass | 15 hours ago

[ Removed by Reddit ]

anitawithgoodskin | 15 hours ago

Correct.

ChilindriPizza | 14 hours ago

I have gone from the first to the second simply due to moving to Florida.

DrewTheHobo | 14 hours ago

I’m in this picture and I don’t like it. One of the hardest things I’ve been working on with my therapist has been valuing myself and not sacrificing myself to help others.

tsardonicpseudonomi | 14 hours ago

I thought that was just what having a penis was.

barfelonous | 14 hours ago

I've been one of these people for a long time and I'm one of those people that people come to for advice on many different things and I've done well to make sure I have a couple people in my life that I can go to for an ear when I need it

rando1459 | 14 hours ago

“People pleasers” usually come off as inauthentic to me. Especially the ones that will avoid saying anything negative because they want someone to like them. Inauthenticity does not help foster deep connections with people. Trustworthiness is a more valuable social trait than amenableness when creating close friendships.

Draxxix1 | 14 hours ago

Oh hey, it’s me!

Mr_Gaslight | 14 hours ago

You needed a study for this? I could have told you this, but nobody thought to call. Besides, I would have said 'everthing's fine' and changed the subject.

daisiesarepretty2 | 13 hours ago

whew..

i’ll never be lonely !!

cuz i just don’t give a shit!!!

Reasonable_Onion863 | 12 hours ago

squeaky wheels have long been known to be the ones that get the grease

IamDollParts96 | 12 hours ago

I feel this to my core.

TheUsualRatio | 12 hours ago

This hits hard. I’ve been struggling with passive SI for a few months now after a long-distance move for work after a pretty traumatizing layoff. I work in a helping profession, so much of my job is literally the “kind, competent, always available” description. I make sure to ask the people I serve how they’re really doing, to offer extra time to listen, support, to assist them with finding resources, etc. It’s fulfilling work, but my own cup is pretty empty.

Meanwhile, I’ve lost so much in the last year: the place I called home, my community, a sense of belonging and purpose, sense of future, etc., but no one wants to hear about it, of course. I have a long history of being there for folks who are really struggling, but it’s been my experience that the same is rarely offered.

It’s incredibly lonely starting over again in middle age without those kinds of support. My heart goes out to anyone else experiencing something similar.

GlitteringPositive77 | 11 hours ago

What about the kind incompetent ones?… asking for a friend

hudsoncress | 11 hours ago

Everyone is lonely. It’s not a competition.

zandra47 | 9 hours ago

It’s a self fulfilling loneliness

GrouchyPerspective83 | 6 hours ago

I am one of us! Too sad to be honest.

Worth_Specific3764 | 6 hours ago

Check in on your strong friends.

Sid-ina | 5 hours ago

My Dad was recently diagnosed with cancer after a long journey and multiple hospital stays. When everything started I essentially put my life on hold to support my Mom and Dad as much as possible (granted this was without any hesitation or thought about it as they have always done the same for me). Im the only single person in the family so juggling working full-time, my medical needs as a chronically sick person, my household, cooking and making sure my poor cat is taken care of is...Alot...

The only person from my family to ever call and check on me was my Mom. The rest just told me I gotta be strong for my Parents now.

It did really sting tbh

Subject_Barnacle_600 | 5 hours ago

This is... oddly specific.

AnarchyonAsgard | 4 hours ago

Is it shocking? People who need other people to help them through their struggles, aren’t gonna be able to see what others go through. It’s not done maliciously or to say the other person isn’t struggling, they’ve shown they already are in the trenches. Some people are literally just built tougher imo

Promature | 3 hours ago

Yup. My brother and my mother check on me. Aside from that…

vaksninus | 23 minutes ago

there is nothing scientific in this article, it just makes a claim with no study at all and people are eating it up?

Hey-Bud-Lets-Party | 22 hours ago

The squeaky wheel gets the grease

Elleanor17 | 20 hours ago

True Dat

Slobberz2112 | 17 hours ago

Oh boy close to home.. used to be this way till o met my wife.. she’s an angel.. ever since we’ve been together I’ve never had that feeling ever.. I wouldn’t know what to do without her..

LessonStudio | 17 hours ago

I have a policy, if people don't reach out at some ratio of my reaching out, I just put the brakes on reaching out.

If, after some absurd amount of time, they do, and it is any sort of favour, I queue up an absolute no, without any explanation. I don't care if they need a cup of sugar to cure cancer, it is a hard no.

There is also the one who just wants to do toxic rants, but, I learned to cut them out long long ago.

This doesn't mean I am cutting people out left right and center, but over time, I've found that I now have more time and energy for new friends. It is nice to have friendships of decades, and it is nice to have new friends. A great mix. Far better than to have mostly old friends where half are energy sinks.

This includes family.

I will flip this post a tiny bit though. My most satisfying moments in all my life is when I help someone who is not a friend, maybe a remote neighbour, or often a complete stranger.

It could be something minor to me, and big to them. I point out they've dropped their wallet. That turns a really sh*tty situation 180 degrees in a flash. Near zero effort on my part. I'm smiling for hours, and thinking about it on occasion years later.

Or even bigger ones. I got the last rental car once, and drove a family home in a snowstorm. Not far out of my way, but at least an hour of extra driving. I wasn't so much a people pleaser that I would give them the rental, as that would have been a job impacting disaster, but an extra hour, not a problem.

As a great example of where I know someone who "made it" enough that they owned a company with partial ownership of a private jet. He would use it maybe twice a month, and fly commercial most of the time. The private jet would impress clients, but also certain destinations were a giant pain to fly commercial. The cost was insane. If you go to a destination, and the company running the jet can't find a matching set of flights for other clients, you now have to pay for 2 pilots to stay in some potentially expensive place for as long as you are there. Plus, fuel, the plane, parking, etc. One short hop to somewhere for the weekend could be an easy $20k.

He had just about every one of his numerous siblings trying to strong arm him into taking their kids on "his" jet. Every excuse possible with guilt larded on top. Critical sports tryouts, school interviews, job interviews, and even one where they promised their kid that they could take some friends for a 16th or something birthday, and they were, "Well you have to tell your nephew that you taking this away from him."

This guy had been super helpful when he had nothing, and got very little in return. The thing that he said really turned him on his family was when he bought a fancy second home(cottage). His family just would "inform" him when they were going to be staying and tell him things like, "Yeah, I discussed it with some to other family, and I will get this week, and they that week, etc etc etc."

This was what really broke him. He told them that they could stay for the same number of days they had let him stay at their cottages with his kids when he had no money. This totaled about 5 days among the 6 siblings with a cottage. If they took him up on this it would be flying to Southern Europe from North America to stay one night. They then called him a cry-baby, and that he was childish, and on and on. He pointed out that the only time they had ever invited him to their cottages was when they needed him to help fix, build, etc, yet never seemed to think that he would want something in return.

I'm not sure he's had more than a few fairly stiff calls from them in a decade, and it is always to get something from him; mostly still tech support. They do gripe that they see on social media his genuine friends frolicking at his place, or even on his plane (often coworkers who have access to it anyway) and say that it is not right for him to treat them so much better.

He is a somewhat happy ending for that, but I suspect for everyone person who grows a spine, 10 don't.

Aggressive_Sky8492 | 11 hours ago

I’m sorry and that sounds hard.

I will offer some food for thought though - it may not have any relevance to your people. But in my family, we don’t really know how to reach out or connect. So a request to spend time together is often formed around a request for a favour. It’s not really selfish though, it’s that we/they don’t know how to say “I miss you, can you come over?” And find it much easier to say “hey I need help putting together my ikea cabinet, can you help? You can stay for dinner afterwards if you like.”

Again this might have no bearing on what’s happening in your relationships, but it’s a common theme in mine where my family just doesn’t really have the interpersonal or emotional skills to recognise and ask for emotionally vulnerable things. Often the favour isn’t really a favour, it’s just an excuse to connect.

pleasegivemepatience | 17 hours ago

I feel this. Always providing support and advice to my friends and family, but I got divorced and slipped into a deep depression and NOBODY stepped up to check on me or offer any kind of support. In fact, they all just hid for some months and then when they reappeared they complained that I don’t call or visit anymore… fuck all of you. I’m only proactive with those who reciprocate now, and I’m happier with a much smaller circle.

RedRamona | 16 hours ago

Holy moly, look, it’s meeeeeee! 😭

GrowthSelect2449 | 16 hours ago

That felt personal

tortillandbeans | 16 hours ago

Literally of course I know this type of person because it's me

Doridar | 16 hours ago

Big hug from Belgium. No need to reciprocate, keep it 💕

GingerTea69 | 16 hours ago

It's always the happy bubbly extroverts And the people with smiles that light up the room that kill themselves so 🤷🏾‍♀️ I got all my attempts out when I was a child, so I'm good for the rest of my adulthood!

But for real though I joke that damn it's a blessing I'm schizoid and thusly have no capacity to experience loneliness. Because I'd be deader'n a motherfucker with how I drift out of the lives I apparently change.

MarryMeDuffman | 16 hours ago

Psychology suggests what people who are empathic, nurturing people have been openly saying

Vivid_Map_437 | 22 hours ago

Moi

Leading_Cheetah6304 | 22 hours ago

Yeap. You never see it coming.

gliitch0xFF | 22 hours ago

Same here.

camohorse | 21 hours ago

I feel called out

BopNowItsMine | 3 hours ago

No this is pop psychology. The most lonely person is probably someone with a traumatic brain injury that affects their communication. Because they're partially trapped inside or completely inside.

nerd_is_a_verb | 11 hours ago

So doormats who allow people to take from them and use them and never hold anyone accountable? I don’t know if I’d call that “strong.”

manhattanwoods | 3 hours ago

This is such bullshit I’m sorry. If you cannot bare to communicate your feelings to anyone then of course no one is going to pry. People are obtuse and busy. So many of these types of people are self proclaimed people pleasers, martyrs and secret narcissists who cultivate personas of “I’m the fixer” or “nothing I ever do is wrong”, they put up walls that prevent them having genuine human connections then cry woe is me when no one asks how they are. Grow up and use your words like adults. Ask for what you need or you will not get it.