Interesting article. The topic is obviously very valid—many young professionals cannot afford to own a home without help from their parents, even those making six figures. That’s an abysmal reality and a stark difference from the experience earlier generations had. Generational wealth is extremely important today to simply live a once “typical” life.
But the author does lose me in her lack of self-awareness on her own lavish lifestyle. She feels shitty about her lifestyle because she hangs out with wealthy people. Not comfortable people. Not middle class people. She’s hanging out with people who own multiple NYC properties and visit their family estate in Scotland for a summer getaway, and then feeling bad in her own lavish rental about not being at that level.
That she is even moving in those circles and spending $3200 on rent in 2008 (aka, a very lavish apartment even by NYC standards—in 2008 my very cute and spacious LA studio cost $900/month and $3200 would have had me living like a d-list celeb in a top neighborhood) says that she isn’t really chasing the standard American dream. She is chasing an elite lifestyle and trying to keep up with genuinely wealthy people, and then wondering why she has little savings and feeling bad that these genuinely wealthy people have more than her. She makes an assertion that she “knows how much” her colleagues make and “how they spend it,” and I think that’s presumptuous of her. From what she describes, she spends a lot to live a certain way and hang in certain social circles, and her colleagues might not take it all the way to the level she does.
I’d be more moved if this were written by someone who was genuinely just trying to live that standard American dream of home ownership with a typical middle class lifestyle and savings, and still failing. I know a lot of people like that—$200k in the bank and with interest rates and housing prices, they still can’t buy a house for their growing family. But it just doesn’t mean much coming from someone trying to keep up with their rich friends, who doesn’t have savings because she’s trying to live like folks who own several homes in HCOL cities.
The article you describe would be way more interesting. Because someone with 200k in the bank can buy a house in America, but they would have to uproot their entire life to move to a poorer area
That's what we did. And it sucks because we have no family support, no friends, but we do own a house now. Was it worth it?
That's an extremely complicated question that an article could be written about
100% agree. I got into several arguments with people who said, “well, if you can’t afford a house (that is, the pinnacle of success for so many Americans on all levels of the socioeconomic ladder) then why don’t you just move to a more affordable part of the country?” Family support, social circles, etc. are huge QOL factors, beyond the question of whether people can find jobs in the parts of the country where housing is cheaper.
And that last point is the elephant in the room. Housing might be 40% percent cheaper in other parts of the country, but the jobs just aren’t there…
Yeah, there was some awareness about how her choices may have impacted her financial situation but no, the problem is probably not eating out once a week...its that you chose to spend a whole lot on rent. Which isn't even to say she should have easily been able to buy a house- but to have "no savings" and spend all that money on rent...
Exactly. I was following, following, following until I read “$3200 in rent” and “2008.” That was certainly a choice on her part, and not one that supported her financial future. But hey, she had a very nice apartment that she got to show off the friends and family for 2 years…
The single meal doesn’t make a difference but prudent choices over a long period of time does make a real difference. My parents lived that way (dad’s an economist) and it afforded them a comfortable albeit not flashy lifestyle and a secure retirement. You can easily get poor $20 at a time.
People really downplay this. When people make comments about avocado toast or whatever, it's like, yeah, going for brunch sometimes is not a big issue. But there's a significant population of people who are chronically broke yet order from Doordash, buy shit on Klarna, have multiple streaming subscriptions, etc. It's habitual.
Yup. You wear the clothes until they wear out. You mend them. You take the bus or a subway instead of an uber. You get Netflix instead of going to the movies all the time. It takes time and discipline but consistently and over the years it adds up. I’m properly comfortable and I won’t use Uber Eats because it is a ridiculous waste of money.
The single meal doesn’t make a difference but prudent choices over a long period of time does make a real difference. My parents lived that way (dad’s an economist) and it afforded them a comfortable albeit not flashy lifestyle and a secure retirement. You can easily get poor $20 at a time.
Not where I live, but even my reality (families with $200k for a down payment being unable to buy a house) is much more relatable than one where you’re renting a luxury property and complaining that you’re not like your friends who own a luxury property and a vacation house. That’s my point.
If you read the article, the author clearly wasn’t living with 6 roommates. But also, where in the US were there $3500 studios in 2008….? Would love to know. Either way, seven people paying $500/month to share a studio is not relevant to my comment or the article as no such scenario was ever described or alluded to.
I think she does a good job of telling her story while making it relatable to a New Yorker magazine audience. It’s easy to judge her for not saving as the commenters here seem to do, but I know I never really felt invested in adulthood until I got pregnant. I was still living with roommates while married in my mid-30s. My parents giving us the down payment to a condo became the linchpin to our financial future and maintaining that investment directed all our choices… of course we were white, middle class, children of savers who remembered growing up in the depression.
The common practices of redlining and African-Americans being turned down for loans is touched on and can’t be removed from the equation. Along with what divorce usually does to family wealth. But generational wealth is the biggest factor.
Unfortunately,these issues seem to be getting worse with income inequality and the choke-off of our middle-class and the American Dream. The majority have given up “dreaming” and investment in the economy and instead are just getting by. Live for today, nothing is promised, especially now.
As the primary “other commenter,” I want to add that I’m black myself with black parents who managed to buy a suburban 5 bedroom home in a neighborhood where we were truly the only ones, with our HOA harassing us over tiny details of our property while our white neighbors did the same (or more) and were left alone, with a cop literally stopping me outside our family home to ask me what I was doing there. I absolutely understand redlining and how racism has shaped home ownership historically and now.
But that is not the entirety of the author’s story and that part gets overshadowed (imo) when she details the lavish lifestyle she and her friends lead while simultaneously complaining that her friends got help with their multiple NYC properties while she did not and instead rents a high end apartment. It strikes me as tone deaf.
If she didn’t feel invested in adulthood while spending $3200/month on rent in 2008 (a time with historically low housing costs), that’s fine, but say that. Fully acknowledge it beyond a passing comment. Call out how it arguably contributed to your current situation as much as your parents being unable to help with a down payment.
Yes, you’re right. Thanks for sharing. There’s a keeping-up-with-the Jones aspect in this and I can’t comment on that, because I live in Santa Barbara where the COL is crazy too, but I shop at thrift stores and sneak a flask in to music shows cuz i refuse to pa $20 for a cocktail. These places skew your self concept. I had to upvote Tenzin’s comment because I see that here: Retired rich people thinking they’re poor. Lifestyle creep is an important part of the story, and maybe she doesn’t own it enough.
I’m in my 40s and I literally don’t know anyone who had help from family with a down payment. All of my friends bought their first houses with FHA (3.5% down) or VA loans (0% down).
Some are college grads and some aren’t. Some of the college grads had help paying for college and some didn’t.
Are people not getting FHA loans anymore? I mean that’s basically what made homeownership possible for most of the people I know. No one got a pile of cash from their parents.
One rude awakening my partner and I had in a competitive housing market where some of the best offers for starter homes were all-cash: sellers were “discouraged” from considering offers with “less competitive” loans (and certainly compared to those with all-cash offers).
It was near impossible to compete with an FHA loan when people with conventional loans were putting more down, or people were paying all cash, waiving inspections, etc. Anecdotally, our conventional loan was what helped us finally get an offer accepted on a decent house.
About half the people I know got help and half didn’t. My ex husband and I lived in a very cheap rental and saved for two years to put everything we had down on our first two bed, one bath house in 2000 at over 6% interest. We would go out for lunch once a week to a food court, and I would bring cans of Coke to save a couple bucks on fountain drinks.
I still live in that house 26 years later and had to buy him out when we got divorced.
FHA loans are undesirable in this market. Especially in HCOL places that are competitive like suburban NJ. You get outbid by extended families who can buy homes in cash.
Really depends on your location. My husband and I (late 20s/early 30 millennials with no family help) bought a turn key flip in 2023 with an FHA loan. But Philly is a great place for young, first time home owners. We're eyeing a second place and planning on renting out our first in the next couple of years which is really doable here.
That is so fortunate! I had heard that was a thing, parents gifting a down payment to a house. I can’t even imagine how different my life would have been with that.
Yes, very fortunate. I cannot take credit for any financial literacy at the time either. If I hadn’t been pregnant with their first grandchild when the landlords decided to move back in, it might never have happened. I remember my mom saying at the time, “you know you and your sister will inherit our house when we die!” And replying, “Thanks. That’s great. But I can’t exactly put that on a mortgage application, now can I?”
They also thought they were poor. I believe they talked to their investment guy and he convinced them lots of folks in their income level were doing it through maximum tax-free gifting. (Should send that financial planner a fruit basket if he’s still working.)
Hindsight is 20/20. Don’t we wish we ALL bought in 2008? Now with hedge funds buying up property and gouging the serfs, it’s a different ballgame. Today’s all-cash and over asking price offers are keeping folks out for sure. But I encourage sellers to think cuz there’s still some choice involved in which offer you accept. When my sister and I sold our childhood home we opted for the family with 3 kids and a loan over the LLC. (We googled them. ) I have to admit it was partly cuz I knew they probably wouldn’t do an extensive Reno and flip it. I drive by it sometimes when I’m in South Bay LA and I’m so happy to see it looks the same. ;)
This has really stuck in my craw. She is a middle aged, single, college educated, childless woman. How has she saved little to nothing? It would be hard to give up her vacations and dinners out? Yeah - it’s not easy. Also generational wealth has to start with someone. Someone had to grind to make that happen. She’s jealous of her friends and blaming everyone but herself all while living in some of the nicest most enviable places in the country. She’s got champagne taste on a beer budget. Now I’m wondering if she has been contributing to her IRA?
[OP] Broad_Cartoonist_824 | 19 hours ago
without paywall - https://archive.li/eceQo
cakeit-tilyoumakeit | 14 hours ago
Interesting article. The topic is obviously very valid—many young professionals cannot afford to own a home without help from their parents, even those making six figures. That’s an abysmal reality and a stark difference from the experience earlier generations had. Generational wealth is extremely important today to simply live a once “typical” life.
But the author does lose me in her lack of self-awareness on her own lavish lifestyle. She feels shitty about her lifestyle because she hangs out with wealthy people. Not comfortable people. Not middle class people. She’s hanging out with people who own multiple NYC properties and visit their family estate in Scotland for a summer getaway, and then feeling bad in her own lavish rental about not being at that level.
That she is even moving in those circles and spending $3200 on rent in 2008 (aka, a very lavish apartment even by NYC standards—in 2008 my very cute and spacious LA studio cost $900/month and $3200 would have had me living like a d-list celeb in a top neighborhood) says that she isn’t really chasing the standard American dream. She is chasing an elite lifestyle and trying to keep up with genuinely wealthy people, and then wondering why she has little savings and feeling bad that these genuinely wealthy people have more than her. She makes an assertion that she “knows how much” her colleagues make and “how they spend it,” and I think that’s presumptuous of her. From what she describes, she spends a lot to live a certain way and hang in certain social circles, and her colleagues might not take it all the way to the level she does.
I’d be more moved if this were written by someone who was genuinely just trying to live that standard American dream of home ownership with a typical middle class lifestyle and savings, and still failing. I know a lot of people like that—$200k in the bank and with interest rates and housing prices, they still can’t buy a house for their growing family. But it just doesn’t mean much coming from someone trying to keep up with their rich friends, who doesn’t have savings because she’s trying to live like folks who own several homes in HCOL cities.
storemans | 13 hours ago
The article you describe would be way more interesting. Because someone with 200k in the bank can buy a house in America, but they would have to uproot their entire life to move to a poorer area
That's what we did. And it sucks because we have no family support, no friends, but we do own a house now. Was it worth it?
That's an extremely complicated question that an article could be written about
WeinDoc | 10 hours ago
100% agree. I got into several arguments with people who said, “well, if you can’t afford a house (that is, the pinnacle of success for so many Americans on all levels of the socioeconomic ladder) then why don’t you just move to a more affordable part of the country?” Family support, social circles, etc. are huge QOL factors, beyond the question of whether people can find jobs in the parts of the country where housing is cheaper.
And that last point is the elephant in the room. Housing might be 40% percent cheaper in other parts of the country, but the jobs just aren’t there…
tenzindrolma | 11 hours ago
Upper middle class readers of the New Yorker all think they’re poor. Source: I am an upper middle class reader of the New Yorker and a New Yorker
IKnowAllSeven | 8 hours ago
Thank god someone said it!
My patience for upper middle class people suggesting they are otherwise wore out in like 2015
notaquarterback | 12 hours ago
Doing this 40 years ago, there was a whole social infrastructure that would've made a move like that viable. None of it exists at scale anymore.
WinterMedical | 11 hours ago
She can’t afford to own a home in Silver Lake! I hope no one from East LA is in her friend group. Read the room!
TwoOliveTrees | 13 hours ago
Yeah, there was some awareness about how her choices may have impacted her financial situation but no, the problem is probably not eating out once a week...its that you chose to spend a whole lot on rent. Which isn't even to say she should have easily been able to buy a house- but to have "no savings" and spend all that money on rent...
cakeit-tilyoumakeit | 13 hours ago
Exactly. I was following, following, following until I read “$3200 in rent” and “2008.” That was certainly a choice on her part, and not one that supported her financial future. But hey, she had a very nice apartment that she got to show off the friends and family for 2 years…
WinterMedical | 11 hours ago
The single meal doesn’t make a difference but prudent choices over a long period of time does make a real difference. My parents lived that way (dad’s an economist) and it afforded them a comfortable albeit not flashy lifestyle and a secure retirement. You can easily get poor $20 at a time.
element-woman | an hour ago
People really downplay this. When people make comments about avocado toast or whatever, it's like, yeah, going for brunch sometimes is not a big issue. But there's a significant population of people who are chronically broke yet order from Doordash, buy shit on Klarna, have multiple streaming subscriptions, etc. It's habitual.
WinterMedical | an hour ago
Yup. You wear the clothes until they wear out. You mend them. You take the bus or a subway instead of an uber. You get Netflix instead of going to the movies all the time. It takes time and discipline but consistently and over the years it adds up. I’m properly comfortable and I won’t use Uber Eats because it is a ridiculous waste of money.
WinterMedical | 11 hours ago
The single meal doesn’t make a difference but prudent choices over a long period of time does make a real difference. My parents lived that way (dad’s an economist) and it afforded them a comfortable albeit not flashy lifestyle and a secure retirement. You can easily get poor $20 at a time.
RoloTamassi | 10 hours ago
$200K in the bank can’t buy a house outright. It’s still plenty for a down payment in the vast majority of places.
cakeit-tilyoumakeit | 10 hours ago
Not where I live, but even my reality (families with $200k for a down payment being unable to buy a house) is much more relatable than one where you’re renting a luxury property and complaining that you’re not like your friends who own a luxury property and a vacation house. That’s my point.
crocosmia_mix | 46 minutes ago
Disagree. Talk to some people who had jacked up college prices and lived like seven people to a $3,500 studio. That was, oh, fucking anywhere.
cakeit-tilyoumakeit | 33 minutes ago
If you read the article, the author clearly wasn’t living with 6 roommates. But also, where in the US were there $3500 studios in 2008….? Would love to know. Either way, seven people paying $500/month to share a studio is not relevant to my comment or the article as no such scenario was ever described or alluded to.
SmileSagely_8worms | 12 hours ago
I think she does a good job of telling her story while making it relatable to a New Yorker magazine audience. It’s easy to judge her for not saving as the commenters here seem to do, but I know I never really felt invested in adulthood until I got pregnant. I was still living with roommates while married in my mid-30s. My parents giving us the down payment to a condo became the linchpin to our financial future and maintaining that investment directed all our choices… of course we were white, middle class, children of savers who remembered growing up in the depression.
The common practices of redlining and African-Americans being turned down for loans is touched on and can’t be removed from the equation. Along with what divorce usually does to family wealth. But generational wealth is the biggest factor.
Unfortunately,these issues seem to be getting worse with income inequality and the choke-off of our middle-class and the American Dream. The majority have given up “dreaming” and investment in the economy and instead are just getting by. Live for today, nothing is promised, especially now.
cakeit-tilyoumakeit | 11 hours ago
As the primary “other commenter,” I want to add that I’m black myself with black parents who managed to buy a suburban 5 bedroom home in a neighborhood where we were truly the only ones, with our HOA harassing us over tiny details of our property while our white neighbors did the same (or more) and were left alone, with a cop literally stopping me outside our family home to ask me what I was doing there. I absolutely understand redlining and how racism has shaped home ownership historically and now.
But that is not the entirety of the author’s story and that part gets overshadowed (imo) when she details the lavish lifestyle she and her friends lead while simultaneously complaining that her friends got help with their multiple NYC properties while she did not and instead rents a high end apartment. It strikes me as tone deaf.
If she didn’t feel invested in adulthood while spending $3200/month on rent in 2008 (a time with historically low housing costs), that’s fine, but say that. Fully acknowledge it beyond a passing comment. Call out how it arguably contributed to your current situation as much as your parents being unable to help with a down payment.
SmileSagely_8worms | 10 hours ago
Yes, you’re right. Thanks for sharing. There’s a keeping-up-with-the Jones aspect in this and I can’t comment on that, because I live in Santa Barbara where the COL is crazy too, but I shop at thrift stores and sneak a flask in to music shows cuz i refuse to pa $20 for a cocktail. These places skew your self concept. I had to upvote Tenzin’s comment because I see that here: Retired rich people thinking they’re poor. Lifestyle creep is an important part of the story, and maybe she doesn’t own it enough.
shakeyshake1 | 10 hours ago
I’m in my 40s and I literally don’t know anyone who had help from family with a down payment. All of my friends bought their first houses with FHA (3.5% down) or VA loans (0% down).
Some are college grads and some aren’t. Some of the college grads had help paying for college and some didn’t.
Are people not getting FHA loans anymore? I mean that’s basically what made homeownership possible for most of the people I know. No one got a pile of cash from their parents.
WeinDoc | 10 hours ago
One rude awakening my partner and I had in a competitive housing market where some of the best offers for starter homes were all-cash: sellers were “discouraged” from considering offers with “less competitive” loans (and certainly compared to those with all-cash offers).
It was near impossible to compete with an FHA loan when people with conventional loans were putting more down, or people were paying all cash, waiving inspections, etc. Anecdotally, our conventional loan was what helped us finally get an offer accepted on a decent house.
Powerful-Patient-765 | 4 hours ago
About half the people I know got help and half didn’t. My ex husband and I lived in a very cheap rental and saved for two years to put everything we had down on our first two bed, one bath house in 2000 at over 6% interest. We would go out for lunch once a week to a food court, and I would bring cans of Coke to save a couple bucks on fountain drinks.
I still live in that house 26 years later and had to buy him out when we got divorced.
anon4383 | 8 hours ago
FHA loans are undesirable in this market. Especially in HCOL places that are competitive like suburban NJ. You get outbid by extended families who can buy homes in cash.
AtomicLavaCake | 8 hours ago
Really depends on your location. My husband and I (late 20s/early 30 millennials with no family help) bought a turn key flip in 2023 with an FHA loan. But Philly is a great place for young, first time home owners. We're eyeing a second place and planning on renting out our first in the next couple of years which is really doable here.
IKnowAllSeven | 8 hours ago
That is so fortunate! I had heard that was a thing, parents gifting a down payment to a house. I can’t even imagine how different my life would have been with that.
SmileSagely_8worms | 7 hours ago
Yes, very fortunate. I cannot take credit for any financial literacy at the time either. If I hadn’t been pregnant with their first grandchild when the landlords decided to move back in, it might never have happened. I remember my mom saying at the time, “you know you and your sister will inherit our house when we die!” And replying, “Thanks. That’s great. But I can’t exactly put that on a mortgage application, now can I?”
They also thought they were poor. I believe they talked to their investment guy and he convinced them lots of folks in their income level were doing it through maximum tax-free gifting. (Should send that financial planner a fruit basket if he’s still working.)
SmileSagely_8worms | 10 hours ago
Hindsight is 20/20. Don’t we wish we ALL bought in 2008? Now with hedge funds buying up property and gouging the serfs, it’s a different ballgame. Today’s all-cash and over asking price offers are keeping folks out for sure. But I encourage sellers to think cuz there’s still some choice involved in which offer you accept. When my sister and I sold our childhood home we opted for the family with 3 kids and a loan over the LLC. (We googled them. ) I have to admit it was partly cuz I knew they probably wouldn’t do an extensive Reno and flip it. I drive by it sometimes when I’m in South Bay LA and I’m so happy to see it looks the same. ;)
WinterMedical | an hour ago
This has really stuck in my craw. She is a middle aged, single, college educated, childless woman. How has she saved little to nothing? It would be hard to give up her vacations and dinners out? Yeah - it’s not easy. Also generational wealth has to start with someone. Someone had to grind to make that happen. She’s jealous of her friends and blaming everyone but herself all while living in some of the nicest most enviable places in the country. She’s got champagne taste on a beer budget. Now I’m wondering if she has been contributing to her IRA?
SeaComparison8008 | 2 hours ago
Saving this