Being kicked out of the tech industry

I think I'm giving up on being a "professional" software engineer. I've tried it for a decade. I've been laid off more than half of the times I've been in the game. I've been fired while having a mental health break that was induced due to a death in the family that merited no pity or support^[1]. I'm told to keep grinning, keep trying, keep smiling. It is fucking difficult to keep doing so while working other jobs to get by. So I think I give up. This has obliterated my job in software, something that began as a hobby, and I don't know what I'm going to do next.

I'm fortunate to have family to fall back on but as folks know, I am the Yggdrasil of sorts so once my coffers run out — it'll get harder. We're not supposed to say that we're in a recession but damned if I'd lie as I hear from more than half of the people I know about how difficult it is to keep a job, let alone find one.

Giving up is okay. But this feels more like being kicked out. Getting more than 5 rejections a day despite my past work is humiliating. Having to be told that "you're great but no" more than 6 times a day is demeaning. And having to hear that it'll take a year to find a job — how the fuck does society claim to be in a good place if folks have bills to pay during this time^[2]? I don't see how I'm supposed to keep trying when I keep getting "no"s from people who claim to open to the ideas of a "yes".

I am capable of the work being presented in front of me. I've done architectural work time and time again. I've done silly puzzles over and over to demonstrate my understanding of a programming language's primitives. I've been on-call for projects millions of people have used. I've been able to get clearance to federal resources to develop software for it. At this point, I know it's not me but it is fucking with my ability to get by. Am I on some sort of blacklist invisible to employees for talking too much and causing too much of a ruckus in a workplace? Did my bringing up of a book at a company get one of the executives too upset? Did me having a crisis in public become too embarrassing for another? What the fuck is the problem?

The Game is not the Game

Before, it was enough to have something you can demonstrate. To have skill, to have experience. Now, it does not matter. I guess it goes doubly for me since I don't have any formal education; I'm more of a risk or liability^[3]. It also doesn't help that I'm on public record multiple times for being comfortable with bringing a company to the cloth if they're not respecting their workers (which is most of the time; without a union, you only have promises, not commitments). I don't know what it is that's causing problems. I'm being told it's not me, it's them but there's too many "them"s for me to think it's solely a "them" problem. I dress better than most folks, I can explain technical concepts to folks who know nothing about TCP/IP, I've gone and broken my own stance about not using AI to follow the industry in hopes of improving my chances. What I'm learning now is this:

• It is solely a game of referral: it does not matter what you apply with because other people are cheating in the application process. I do not cheat off principle because it catches up to you. But now I have to beg people for the chance at getting a job; thank you OpenAI nee Microsoft.
• Your experience is meaningless: it doesn't matter what you've done, how long you've done it or what you've contributed. It's more if they like and trust you. I'm a personable guy and I do my best to come off as the such. I also know when I make white people uncomfortable and I'm not capable of being a respectable Negro. If I have to resort to that behavior in order to get a job, I'll join the police academy.

Please don't be surprised if you see a GoFundMe campaign from me - again - in the next two weeks. Folks are going to comment and say whatever for publishing this. I think I get a little bored of seeing the same old business as usual when more than 30% of people are fucking going through for it for no reason outside of "you're not the match we're looking for". Well, what was it then!?