Grandma's Tired: America Experiencing 'Depleted Grandmother Syndrome' — Here's Why

Denise Gorant Gliwa was absolutely, utterly stumped. On her first day of duty as a caregiver for her 4-month-old grandson, she’d successfully gotten him into the car seat — whew! — and had driven safely to the grocery store. But that’s where she stalled out.

Her daughter had shown her how to open the stroller just that morning, but now, she wasn’t pressing the right buttons, or wasn’t pressing them in the right order, or — well, she had no idea what she was doing wrong.

“I finally put the baby under one arm and dragged the useless stroller behind me in the parking lot, hoping I’d come across a mom who would help,” said Gliwa, the creator and host of “Bite Your Tongue,” a podcast about building healthy relationships with adult children.

Finally, the owner of a nearby children’s shop noticed her plight and came outside, quickly fixing the stroller. Gliwa had experienced one of the perils of managing all the modern tools that accompany this new age of parenting. “Now, I’ve learned my lesson,” she said. “I shoot ‘demo’ video on my phone of my daughter and son-in-law doing everything they ask me to do, including mixing formula, and — of course — opening that damn stroller.”

While her anecdote had a happy ending, it illustrates just one of the challenges faced by folks who might not have had to think about childcare in many years but who are now stepping in to assist their adult children with child care. Some help out just when there’s a school break or sick day, but others are putting in the equivalent of a full-time job — one that often comes with no benefits, sick time or vacation leave.

Yes, there is such a thing as depleted grandmother syndrome.

While every grandparent interviewed for this story professed deep love and happiness at the prospect of spending time with their grandkids, some confessed to feelings of physical or mental exhaustion, a lingering sense of dread over following complex rules for food, sleep and screens, and disappointment over the lack of free time to live their own lives, whether that’s for work, physical activity, travel, doctor’s appointments or spending time with friends.

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Even if we’re very active and seem youthful, we’re still old, and we have to be careful with our bodies and our health.

The idea of “depleted grandmother syndrome” is gaining increased recognition among those following issues related to aging and grandparenting. DeeDee Moore, founder of the More Than Grand website, which offers resources for new grandparents, recently ran a blog post on depleted grandmother syndrome, which is also known as grandparent burnout. Similar to depleted mother syndrome, it’s not an official medical diagnosis, but a term to describe the physical, emotional and mental exhaustion that occurs for grandparents with more caregiving responsibility than they can sustainably handle. “Unlike occasional babysitting, it develops when grandparents take on ongoing, intensive caregiving without enough support or boundaries,” she said.

Moore got a taste of this for herself when a daughter-in-law’s sudden and serious illness left a childcare-sized hole in her son’s family, one that she stepped in to fill. “I stayed with them for five weeks, when the kids were 4, 6 and 8,” she recalled. “I’m very physically fit, but it was pretty much a nonstop pace, with no time for breaks. I felt like if I wasn’t cooking, I was cleaning up a meal. If I wasn’t driving someone someplace, I was trying to stay ahead of housework. I’ll admit I was surprised by how hard it was.”

After four days, Moore realized she couldn’t do it alone. “I called my husband and said, ‘Please come help.’ He did, and then the maternal grandparents stepped in, and we got it done while my daughter-in-law recovered. And yes, we all realize that it took four grandparents and my son to fill in for that one incredible woman.”

Asked about her takeaway from the experience, she said, “It’s much harder to care for young kids when you’re in your 60s than it was in your 40s.”

Grandparents speak out: Guess what, we’re old.

While the willingness to help is strong, the body may be weak, some grandparents said. Leigh Hatcher is a co-host of the “Modern Grandparenting” podcast. Along with his wife, he provides two full days of grandchild care each week. “I think the physical limits of grandparents have to be factored in when you’re making arrangements at the start,” he said. “I’ll never forget how whacked I felt after our first full day with three grandkids. My wife said to me at the end of the day, ‘Did you realize you were in performative mode all day?’ She was right, and I’ve had to ease back a bit.”

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Gliwa, when asked what she wished adult children understood about their own care-providing parents, summed it up like this: “They need to realize how old their parents are. Even if we’re very active and seem youthful, we’re still old, and we have to be careful with our bodies and our health.”

They can’t keep track of your rules.

In addition to physical stress, some care situations have mental stressors. One of the most frequent comments I heard from grandparents was how hard they were trying to follow the rigid rules parents had established. Gliwa mentioned an anonymous caller to her podcast who was caring for grandchildren three days a week. “She was trying her best, but they took her to task when the formula hadn’t been mixed correctly or when the morning nap happened at 11 a.m. instead of 10,” she recounted.

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I gave her a cookie as a treat. They were not a ‘cookie’ family, and I knew better, but I did it anyway. Of course, she told her mother the minute she got home, so I was found out.

“My advice is to always apologize, no matter what, and to tell them that you’ll try to do better,” she said. “It’s important to have some empathy for people who are parenting in what seems like a crazy, out-of-control world, and things like formula and sleep are areas where they have control, or at least think they do. If they can’t be flexible, you’re the one who should apologize, because it’s all you really can do.”

For Gliwa, who turned “bite your tongue” into a personal mantra, she’s also run afoul of the house rules while caring for her grandson. “My daughter found crumbs in his car seat, so she reminded me that the rule was ‘snacks only at the dining table,’” she said. She admits that it crossed her mind that “when this boy is 2 or 3, they’ll be handing those snacks out all over the place,” but following the advice she often gives, she bit her tongue.

Another grandma who broke the rules is Donne Davis, founder of the GaGa Sisterhood, a social network for grandmothers. “It’s so important to create trust and respect, and I feel as though grandparents often need to work on this more than parents,” she said. “You can’t say, ‘Don’t tell mommy I let you watch this,’ or ‘Don’t tell her I gave you a cookie.’” Davis pauses and starts to laugh with her own true confession: “When my granddaughter was 3, I gave her a cookie as a treat. They were not a ‘cookie’ family, and I knew better, but I did it anyway. Of course, she told her mother the minute she got home, so I was found out — and quickly apologized.”

All this free help can be expensive for grandparents, but a boon to young families.

Professor Meyer, who studies aging, care work and grandparenting in the U.S., said caring for grandchildren can be financially challenging, especially for lower-income grandparents. “In my research, grandparents reported spending money they meant to use for an oil change to buy diapers for their grandchildren, foregoing meals so their grandchildren can eat and delaying retirement so they could continue to bankroll the younger generation,” she said.

Even as grandparents make financial sacrifices, their help often means real financial relief for their children’s families, which is why even some of the most beleaguered grandparents hesitate to say “no” when they’re asked. Caitlyn Collins, an associate professor of sociology at Washington University in St. Louis, studies gender, work-family dynamics and social policy. “The parents I’ve spoken to in my current research project describe grandparents’ help as the only way their households stay afloat,” she said. “Some talk about this support as a form of intergenerational wealth.”

As Collins said, childcare costs are straining many families, with the annual cost of full-time center-based childcare in the United States averaging $15,843. In California and New York, the most expensive states, families are paying more than $20,000 per year. Those costs frequently add up to more than in-state college tuition in many places — which is yet another thing families need to plan for. According to a 2026 survey by Care.com, the average family is spending 20% or more of annual income on childcare, while guidance from the Department of Health and Human Services is that 7% of family income should be the benchmark.

Of course, daycare is just one part of the picture. With prices of food, fuel and just about everything else skyrocketing, adding another person to the household makes it harder than ever to raise a family the way many families dream of doing. It’s no wonder that grandparents who are willing and able to help are filling a chasm-sized gap between dreams and stark economic realities.

Here’s what grandparents are saying in private:

Joshua Coleman is the author of “Rules of Estrangement: Why Adult Children Cut Ties and How to Heal the Conflict,” and his practice includes many tired, fearful grandparents. He said: “One of the most common things I hear is, ‘I thought I was volunteering to be a grandparent, not signing up for another job.’ Or they’ll admit, ‘I love my grandchildren, but they’re still a lot of work. Some more appreciation for how much I’m helping would be nice.’”

Coleman said he hears from grandparents who feel their generosity is being taken for granted, that they can’t make plans because they’re expected to be available or that they’re being given all of the responsibility of caring for the grandchildren without much authority. Even with this turmoil, they’ll do anything to keep the peace: “They often suppress those feelings from fear that complaining could jeopardize their relationship with their adult child or grandchildren,” he said.

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Francine Toder, author of “Your Kids Are Grown: Parenting 2.0,” echoed Coleman’s remarks, noting what she has observed as a “common assumption” that grandparents have nothing better to do. “Adult children would benefit from understanding that their parents are sacrificing time in their own lives to take on this responsibility,” she said. “It shouldn’t be taken for granted or assumed to benefit everyone in the family.”

How to set up an arrangement that works for everyone.

For Coleman, the way out of this dilemma is negotiation. “The biggest mistake is assuming that because you’re family, you don’t need to negotiate,” he said. “In fact, because you’re family, you probably need to negotiate more carefully. Families should discuss how many hours and days are expected, how much flexibility is required, how much notice is needed for changes, what happens when the grandparent is sick or wants to travel and how much authority the grandparent has while caring for the child. They should also talk about discipline, food, screen time, naps, transportation and other areas where generations commonly differ.”

For any grandparents reading this who wonder if they’ve taken on too many grandkid responsibilities, this advice comes from Terri Apter, author of “Grandparenting: On Love and Relationships Across Generations”: “Monitor your energy and capacity. Don’t do what’s too much for you. You can say ‘no’ before you’re overwhelmed, and you can set limits before you’re at the end of your tether.”